I CAN'T PLEASE YOU

Your definition of me is still ugly.   Even in your greatest capacity for kindness, I am a failure - a weak person - a thoughtless person - a person deserving of nothing good.

For the past 48 years of my life, I have tried desperately to please you - begged God for your approval - to make you proud . . .  And, it wasn't possible.  Either my life circumstances warranted your judgement and did not allow me to repay the kindness that was due . . .  Or, I just did not live up to your expectations.   In order to live up to those expectations, I had to think like you, make your choices, live your dreams.  Even IF I had done that, you were not psychologically capable of acceptance.

It's taken me 48 years to come to a point where I accept the truth.  You will never forgive my trespasses, never be proud of the good, never accept the whole person.   You rejected me long ago and every time you came close to acceptance, I did something or did not do something that set you back.  I always thought that was something I could fix . . .  But, I could not.   I'm a human being with flaws and issues of my own and wounds that you helped inflict; though you would never admit to this, because in order to do that, you'd have to face your own failures.  It is so much easier to lay them on me.  Which is part of the reason I can't be forgiven for my "thoughtless" deeds.   Because should you acknowledge any blame in the half century struggle between you and I, you feel it would undermine your distorted sense of righteousness.  But, scripture says there is none righteous - no not one . . .  So why should you be exempt?

If I say blue - you say green.  If I say white - you say black.  We are never going to agree on anything.  But, I was okay with that.  The part that really woke me up to the reality is that the one person in my life who should have loved me unconditionally, set out to alienate me - gossiped about me - and desired my destruction.

I know that I owe you more than I can ever repay.  My children owe me a debt of gratitude, but if they could ever fulfil their debt, I would be surprised.  I certainly don't expect it.  I owe God a debt of gratitude, but I cannot ever repay his grace and loving kindness.  It isn't that I am thoughtless.  It is that I have done what I could and what I needed to . . .   And, I suppose that you would have had me abandon those who needed more and relinquish my own hopes and dreams . . .   Maybe I should have.  Maybe I should have just spent the money on a house and replacing a car that is now broke down - instead of honouring my promise to Simon and taking the opportunities that God gave me.  Maybe I should have put you above all else.  If that's how you feel, I'm sorry.  But, it wasn't enough to repay you - take care of them - sustain myself - or try if at all possible to change the course of my life.   You don't care about that, but I do . . .    And, I'm so very sorry that you feel I have wronged you.

As I child, you told me repeatedly that you hated me.  You even said you wanted to kill me and wanted me to die.  As a young adult, you told me I was ruined because of my father and that I would never amount to anything.   As a middle-aged woman, you told me that God rejected me and condemned me and was going to destroy me.  You put that seed in my mind and then when it took root, you denied any responsibility for the words you spoke.  So, you are either losing your mind or you just can't admit that your anger and hostility have at times been crippling.

You think that because of your anger and your pain that God should execute his vengeance against me - ignoring any fault of your own.  For you, there should be grace, forgiveness, loving kindness and reward for your diligence.  For me, there should be no mercy.  The love you would show to others who made mistakes or found themselves injured or crippled cannot be shown to me, because in your eyes, I am condemned for all time for sins that you believe are unforgivable.  If you can't forgive me for whatever grudge you harbour, then neither should God.  Therefore, you have determined that your thoughts are God's thoughts, your will is God's will, your condemnation is God's condemnation.   He must do as you want - and you cannot fathom that this attitude is anything but righteous.

I cannot please you.  I cannot please you.  I cannot please you.   I cannot please you.   I cannot please you.  

I've given up trying.  There's not point in that torment.  I cannot become a better person - cannot grow - cannot be what God intends - cannot thrive, if I am continually bound to your anger.   I don't hate you.  I think you are smart, talented, and very moral.  But, I think you are wrong and I think I have no power to change you and no right to try.   And, I cannot continue to torment myself with vain attempts to gain your approval.   IT ISN'T HEALTHY.

This has been a toxic relationship from the day I was born.  You left your home because you needed to escape - and yes - you did.  It was bad.  You did need out.  But, your choices were not MINE.  I didn't ask to be the one who made that possible.  I didn't ask to be named after a woman you hated.  I didn't ask to be the favourite of someone who would play you and I against each other.  I didn't ask for any of the things that hurt you.  THEY WEREN'T MY FAULT - I was A CHILD and you were so absorbed in your anger EVEN THEN that all you could do was turn on me with fists, and hateful words; depriving me of love and nurturing and HELP - of all the things you were supposed to be . . .  You injured me as much as he did and YOU CAN'T ADMIT IT.   Instead, you have determined that because you made choices that dug a deeper hole in your already festering wounds and they somehow involved ME - that I am responsible for your pain.   But, I'm not . . .   I'm responsible for being lost, confused, injured, crippled, angry and having to find my way out of that without anyone who EVER stood by me unconditionally.   To this day, I have abandonment and rejection issues that you helped create.

I was thoughtless?   You were cruel.   Psychologically, you did as much damage in your anger and hatred that he did.   In fact, the mother is a vital part of healthy development . . .   You criticize me for how I failed with my kids, but I loved them no matter what and even enabled things that should not have been, because I didn't want to do to them what YOU did to me.  I wanted to defend them, love them, help them, stand by them and always be loyal no matter what.   So, I gave too much, fought their battles and forgave things for which they should have been made to endure - for their own sakes.   I wasn't stupid, or incompetent or any of the things you imagine.  I was trying not to hurt them the way that you hurt me.  So, I endured too much and gave too much and cried too much because it was ALL TOO MUCH.

If you think this post is thoughtless and mean - STOP AND THINK about the things you say and have said . . .   "I'm injured by a very thoughtless person"  and I'm asking God to take care of it on my behalf.  Lady - you didn't get what you deserved . . .   But, God forgave you - that's more than you have ever offered me for things I couldn't even control.  You hypocrite.

You have a lot of good in you.  You have SO MUCH value . . .   But, I can't please you, because the one thing you do not have is love.   If you speak with the language of angels but have not love, you are as a clashing cymbal.   I may have loved too much like a moron and a fool and a broken woman desperate to give to others what I was so undeserving of from my parents . . .   But, at least I was reaching.   At least I recognized that gaping wound that would forever mark me . . .   At least I admit my failures and weep over my shortcomings and desire to be more and better - to you - to them - to myself - to my God.   At least I'm not an arrogant, proud, deluded, person who refuses to own my cock-ups.   At least I am sorry.  I least I WANTED your approval . . .

I've heard how you talk about me.   One of the favourites came to me a while back to scold me and tell me how I failed everyone - how I need to stop being selfish and grow up and be a mother to my children (who are grown) because they need me.   She went on about how everyone loves me and wants to be there for me and how they all know I've made huge mistakes, but everybody does and that they just all want to help me through it but I need to change my attitude, because everyone is fed up with me.     Arrogant, self-righteous, "We have all been talking about what a screw-up you are and have all decided that we're done with you, and I'm giving you this one chance to crawl back because WE LOVE YOU."  She didn't love me or care about me.  She has not made a single gesture that would suggest she gives a flying rip about me.   But, she didn't hesitate to echo "the family's" sentiment.

This person has had NOTHING to do with me at all . . .   except to talk down to me and inform me of how the family feels about me.   And, as far as my kids - they are grown - I gave them everything I could for 22 years and I'm sorry that I didn't do it the way you would have done it.  After all - I'm the only child of the lot who has had to struggle through the choatic insanity that you consider good child-rearing.  But, lay that off on someone else . . .   After all, how could you judge me for my failings if you had to admit any of your own?  

I have heard how everyone has rejected me.  I have heard how you have punished people with your venom and silent treatment because they have too much to do with me.   I have heard . . .    You deny it and behave as if you are the wounded one and you are so sweet . . .   But, I know what you've said to me.  I know the pretences.  I know . . .  One individual said, "When they start trashing you, I walk away.  I'm a jerk - okay - but, I'm not a back-stabber."

I'm thoughtless because I say clearly what I think about how you've treated me and how everyone else has treated me.  I'm thoughtless because all of the above hurts me and I don't play some devious game.  It would have been less thoughtless if I'd have sat around gossiping behind your back, twisting the knife, and condemning you from my throne on high.  It would have been less thoughtless if I had played devious little games and then feigned confusion . . .   sat on the phone and made up portions of conversation to convince others of something that wasn't real . . .   criticized everything you said and did and then pretended I didn't have a clue what your problem was . . .  attempted to alienate you while declaring my unconditional love . . .   Yep - I'm thoughtless because I just told it the way I saw it and didn't treat you like a moron.

I came to a point where I didn't want anyone running to you with gossip while you sit on your throne and decree my ultimate destruction - condemn me - and tell them how they should not have anything to do with me because I'm evil and bad and take everything the wrong way . . .   So, I left everyone alone.  I choked on their hateful remarks, emails and messages, and I tried to avoid any situation that might be misconstrued.  Nobody owns up to their gossip, their back-stabbing, and their venomous words.  It all gets laid on my shoulders for reacting.   I don't care.  I want to enjoy those who are gracious and kind and forgiving of my flaws.   I'm sorry that I could not live up to your expectations, or that I wasn't able to fix everybody's problems, meet everybody's needs and still do what you thought I should do.   I would ask your forgiveness, but I have learned by now that I will never truly have it.

You can't love me for who I am.  You never have.  You never will.  So, there's really no point in me submitting myself to that toxic and very destructive cycle.   I cannot, nor will I ever please you . . .

BOOKS, ANGST and TURRETS

I've spent my entire evening reading.  I finished LUNA, the follow-up to IVY COLE and THE MOON by GINA FARAGO a little over a week ago, and have now begun CIDER HOUSE RULES by JOHN IRVING.  I love John Irving's writing style and his ability to ramble incessantly through a tale and still hold my attention, though his subject matter can be quite challenging to a conservative.  His talent as a writer ranks right up there with John Steinbeck and Pearl S. Buck, in my estimation.   Of course, he was born in the early 40's and is, like Steinbeck and Buck, old news.  Frankly, I don't always appreciate the "Five minutes on a roller coaster" approach of the modern author.  And, yes - I do understand that we are living in the e-world, where quick and artificial thrills rank above the slow and sensual.

It took me a bit to figure out why my NOOK was powering down fifteen minutes into the read.  I'd have to charge it up and then turn my wrist to needles (propping my head on my hand) while the lead maintained the juice I needed to use the blasted thing.  Then, my husband suggested that the device's wi-fi was hogging the battery.  Once I turned that off, I was able to read for hours with no interruption.  Go figure . . .

It is important to read when you want to write, and my life, having been chaotic over the past few years, has not allowed a great deal of spare time for such indulgences.  Reading the authors who once (and still continue to) inspired me is an important part of perfecting the craft.

I am unable to turn to my family for love and support.  I do not want them to block or delete anyone - as they have suggested might be my agenda.  I simply needed them - end of story.  I needed to know I wasn't alone.  I needed their support.  Instead, I have experienced what feel like a series of reprimands.   If you can't turn to you own - then who?   I am scolded for my religious views - or the lack thereof by some interpretations.  I am corrected on my scriptural interpretations.  According to some near-ancient comments, I am condemned to utter destruction because God doesn't like me.  And, NOBODY understands how this might not only offend me - but completely mess with my head.  First, I was flat out told that no matter how alone I am or what I must endure, I have NO RIGHT turning to them because it is a betrayal.  I was also told that if someone is funny they are absolved.   I DON'T EVEN WANT ANYONE TO CHOOSE SIDES.  I would be horrified if that happened.   Still, I'm equally horrified that I'm condemned by God and yet - God apparently doesn't condemn people with a great sense of humor.   Mostly, I'm disgusted by the double standard of those who preach with great conviction about the judgment of the unrighteous, and then so quickly dismiss any error on the part of someone who silently thinks their religious rants are a crock of donkey dung. 

Do I want a war?  No, I do not.  Do I want someone I love to be shunned or blocked.  I'd be horrified.  Do I want justice?  Nope - not even that.  I don't really want anything at this point.  It's the attitude that I find injurious and offensive.  All I really wanted - just a family to love me - pray for me - encourage me - even forgive me.   But, I'm not worthy of that.

Still - even after trying to be perfectly clear - I will get this whole speech that has nothing to do with what I want or what I'm saying . . .   Very patronizing - or, on the flip side - hostile.

I love my husband.  I'm 4500 miles from home, and I guess I thought that when home was far, far away, the love of my family would not be.  I was wrong.

How much more worthless can anyone feel than that?  Frankly, that's not my husband's fault - so you can skip that "Oh how we love and support him" song.   It's moot.

We are going out to eat tomorrow night for a celebration.  There is always a chance of hitting a glitch in the plans, but I suppose if that were to happen, we'd just do it another night.   At some point in the future, we are going to head west to Stonehenge, Dartmoor and Tintagel Castle.  He wants to purchase a new camera so he can take better photographs.  That won't stop me from snapping away like crazy from my soon-to-be inferior model.  It's been a good camera thus far. 

We've been entertaining a mere fantasy, which of course can be interpreted as, "NOT POSSIBLE" about one day building a home-sized castle.  It literally is not a possibility, but I am a firm believer that entertaining impossible dreams is perfectly acceptable since my life changes with each and every breath and I cannot say what tomorrow will bring.   Anyone who knows me can testify to the fact that I am both the unluckiest and the luckiest individual on the face of the planet.  My life kind of works that way . . .

Anyway, back to the impossible dream:   The concept is to build a house-sized castle with the center portion of that structure being relatively narrow.  On either side, would be turrets. (Not as many as shown in the picture.) As you enter through the main arch, there would be staircases leading up into the turrets on either side and winding around to the top.  There would be one turret toward the back, which would be taller than the others.  Each turret would contain a bedroom, and the staircase would allow the inhabitants of each bedroom to enter a loft-style landing that overlooked the living room.  The living room would be part of the narrow and central portion of the structure.  Because we have only adult children, this would be ideal for temporary residency and house-guests alike, because even though it was part of the actual house, it would also allow separate access to each structure - like an apartment - but with only a bedroom  The privacy would be ideal and the view, incredible.   Having been in both royal houses and castles, I would have a castle style kitchen built, separate from the dining by a serving window and door.  The dining area would be relatively small and cozy with a furnace running along one wall.  I would, of course, have to have a traditional, blocky, wooden table.  The tallest turret would have two separate rooms, a master suite and above that, a writing room.   Simon thinks it would be cool if you could ascend all the way to an open roof . . .   That does sound cool.   Of course, we both know better than to ever design such a home.  But, should our lucky leprechaun ever lead us to a pot of gold, we shall share our idea with someone qualified to the task and say in a most arrogant manner, "We are off to Thailand for a couple of weeks.  Don't botch it up or it will be off with your heads."

Of course, Simon feels that a castle isn't complete without a few heads on a spike . . .  

MYLEE

PHOTOS FROM VENICE